I had another post planned for today, but when I saw the #FMFparty prompt, I knew God was calling me to write on it. So, here we go.
I am a self-confessed Type A. I go, go, go. I do, do, do. My motto has always been ‘if you want something done right, do it yourself.’ IÂ have always been a performance-driven individual, seeking to be the best and do the best. When I begin something, IÂ take responsibility for it and see it through to the end. Some of these tendencies are good and right, while others…not so much.
In the past ten years, I have come to understand that go, go, go and do, do, do will wear one completely out. It will make one WEARY, and that weariness is a clarion call from Jesus to stop and rest. How we answer that call makes all the difference in the world.
I began leading and hosting a ladies Bible study group in my home in January of 2001. I have written about this precious group many times here on the blog. They are my sisters. We have loved one another, prayed for one another, and held each other’s arms up when the battle grew fierce. We have loved, laugh, eaten, and cried together more times than I can count. Not enough Christians have the privilege and blessing of being part of a small group like this. It has been a source of strength and fellowship for me for 15 solid years.
Our group did my HeBrews study this fall, and of course, I led the study and hosted. Something was not quite right, however. On Monday nights I would find myself dreading Tuesday morning, and wishing I could have the option of not attending. I could not do that, however, because I was the leader and the group met at my home. I thought that my feelings were because we were doing MY study. I have this aversion to leading my own studies. I feel like I am pushing MY work on the group and hogging the floor time. I much prefer to lead another author’s study.
About three-quarters of the way through the study, the Lord gave me an ‘a-ha’ moment. I realized that what I was feeling was because I was WEARY. Life had dealt some devastating blows in the past year, and I had not truly taken time to rest and recover from them. I had pushed ahead with work, and family, and life, and ministry, and leading Bible study. Now, all of my go, go, go, and do, do, do had come crashing in on me in the form of WEARY. I knew, without a doubt, that the Lord was calling me to step back from leading and hosting Tuesday morning Bible study.
“But, Lord, if I don’t lead and host, the group might dissolve.”
How prideful of me to think that I was the glue that held the group together!
I asked Jesus to forgive me for that pride, and to lead and guide me as I shared my feelings with my core group. I told them the following:
I am WEARY, friends. Not tired, as in not-enough-sleep tired. Rather it is a soul weariness. I have felt this for a while now, but have not been willing to admit it because I feel so responsible for the group. But, the time has come to share it with you.
It was a hard thing… this stepping out in faith that God already had plans for this group. If someone stepped forward to lead, the group would continue, but if no one stepped forward, the group would dissolve. That last part was the challenge for my WEARY heart. I had to let go of control of the group, and trust Jesus. I had to realize that perhaps His plan might be to scatter the seeds that have been sown over the past 15 years.
As it turns out, the core group affirmed the value of Tuesday morning and sought a way to keep it going, while allowing me the blessing of stepping back from leading and hosting. These women….I love them so!
I believe that my willingness to acknowledge my WEARY soul will lead to blessings for me, and multiplied for the ladies who stepped forward to lead the Bible study group.
Are you WEARY? If so, God is probably trying to get your attention.
