God never wastes a trial.
Even when it means re-visiting the mess I made of my life in my late teens and early twenties.
Over the past ten or so years, I have had the privilege of walking alongside a handful of young women who are battling the demons of an eating disorder. I know those demons. I had a love/hate relationship with them. Actually, there was no love. It was always hate, yet I danced with them in order to, hopefully, make them happy. The dance never worked, for those demons were never satisfied.
The fatter I felt, the less I ate, the thinner I grew…and the fatter I felt. Six hundred measly calories a day and less than one hundred pounds. It was a vicious cycle of shame and starvation…a cycle that, praise God, I no longer struggle with.
God never wastes a trial. Currently, I am walking alongside a few young women who are in the thick of the battle. Either through prayer alone, and/or physical and emotional support, I journey with them.
Greg and I were talking about the whole eating disorder thing while we were away last week. He is incredibly wise, and offered a striking comparison. Many people are allergic to certain foods…peanuts or shellfish, for example. Even though peanuts or shellfish may be the person’s most favorite food, they are able to say ‘no’ to eating it because it could mean instant death. No one with a peanut allergy says, “I’m going to go ahead and eat some peanuts anyway.” Only a fool would knowingly eat peanuts if they were severely allergic.
The person with an eating disorder, be it anorexia or bulimia, is like the fool who knowingly eats the peanuts. She knows, deep down, that starvation or purging will be a slow death, but she does it anyway. I did it anyway. I closed my eyes to what should have been obvious, and it nearly killed me. The demon told me that I just needed to be a ‘little bit thinner’, so I cut my calories just a little bit more, and starved my body just a little bit more in order to be a little bit thinner. The bulimic knows that binging and purging will slowly damage her body, and over time, kill her, but she is willing to ignore what she knows to be true in order to be thin. She eats the peanuts willingly.
Eating disorders are all about control. Control issues with what goes into our bodies. Control over what comes out of our bodies. Controlling how our bodies look and what size we wear. We think we have complete control, but this is very different from the food allergy. With the food allergy, the person controls what they eat in order to live, while with an eating disorder, control is an illusion. The eating disorder is controlling us. We give up control to the demons of anorexia and bulimia. We place ourselves at their mercy, and find them to be impossible taskmasters. They are never satisfied until we are dead.
Me…less than 100 pounds…feeling fat.
Today, thirty years after my battle with anorexia, I can see how I willingly self-destructed and grasped for the illusion of control. It was such wasted energy, and hideous sin. Do I still war with those demons on occasion? I would be lying if I said I did not. I no longer starve myself, but the struggle with body image is still very real for me at times. God never wastes a trial, and the trials of anorexia drive me into the arms of Jesus, the One who loves me just like He made me. When I am struggling I think about the people on this earth whom I love most. I remind myself that I do not love them because of their body size or shape. I love them because of who they are, and I am reminded that others love me for the same reason. Not because of the numbers on the scale.
It is my privilege to walk alongside girls and women struggling with eating disorders. I wish I could help them understand that they are beautiful and loved and completely accepted by Jesus. He loves them no more, or no less, because of their body size and shape. My prayer for them is that they would be able, that I would be able, to see ourselves through the eyes of Jesus.
Are you struggling with an eating disorder? Perhaps you are in a season of some other trial? Your struggle is real, but Jesus is more than able to hold you through it, and one day redeem it for your good and His glory. It would be my privilege to pray for you. Either leave a comment on this post, or email me at [email protected].
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